@bestlizard: A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
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@LindaInDisguise: You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
@david8hughes: [police interrogation] "What do you do for a living?" "Drug dealer." "Louder, for the tape." [leans in] "Bug healer. I heal bugs."
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
@Fickle_Filly: There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian. Idiot.