@bestlizard: A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
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@drinksmcgee: Me: Why are you holding a fork? Coworker: My toast is caught in the toaster. Me: STOP! *turns my chair to get a better view Me: Carry on.
@Tw1tter_K1tten: This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won't be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
@Underchilde: Unless it’s that scary chick from The Ring, I really don’t care who is in the restroom with me.
@ASmallFiction: "I challenge you to a duel!" "Very well. The weapon?" "Compliments." "A capital choice." "Thank you, I- oh! I see you've dueled before!"