@bestlizard: A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
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@nPhelendriqal: A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
@AKcrazy18: I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, "What would your parents say if I called them?' I replied, "Hello?"
@primawesome: Too bad the dinosaurs didn't have a Bruce Willisaurus to fly into space and blow that asteroid up.
@Brampersandon_: *tightens straps on electric chair* Any last words? -I think male oysters should be called boysters Omg will someone throw the damn switch