@bestlizard: A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
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@Jeffwni: [1st date] Me: I've got crabs [date leaves] [back home looking at my fish tank] "It's all right guys, one day I'll find one who'll like you"
@ValeeGrrl: You have to admire husband's focus as he plays on his iPad while I furiously chop carrots tapping out "I hate you" in morse code w my knife.
@KentWGraham: ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose. WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
@JazzTrombonist: I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition...while playing the trombone