@bestlizard: A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
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@markleggett: Reports are now emerging from Russia that Putin rode the meteorite while shirtless, steering it away from a box of kittens.
@murrman5: *A group of cannibals eating a pie* This is amazing, what did you do different? "Well, I used fresh Barry's"