A girl who bullied me in junior high just friended me on Facebook. Her three kids are named after trees. I win.
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I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Make healthier choices. Steal from Whole Foods.
Drop a ring pop in front of him. If he picks it up and hands it back to you… Congratulations! You’re engaged.
Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
[ring]
Me: Hi
Mom: You picked up.
Me: I know
M: Why
Me: You called
M: I wanted to leave a message
Me: Just tell me
M: Hang up
[ring]
Me: Hi
Tell me a story and include details but not too many details like I don’t need to know about a suspicious mole
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.