Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
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Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Me standing next to random car making phone call, Swiss policeman arrives,
“You cannot park there”
“It’s not my car”
“You have to move it”
“It’s not my car”
“Move it or get a fine”
“It’s not my car”
Policeman writes ticket,
“I did warn you”“It’s not my car”
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
[diner]
ME: I’ll have the eggs, please
WAITER: how would you like those?
ME: painted and hidden for me to find, thank you.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
“If you could take one thing from a burning house, what would it be?” THE FIRE. I WOULD TAKE THE FIRE AND PUT IT OUTSIDE. Easy. Next.