A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
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FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
Warm pools make me nervous.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
Anybody want to buy some exercise equipment? I’m having a going-out-of-fitness sale.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
You have a better chance of being struck by lightning than going to McDonald’s when the ice cream or shake machine is working
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Wife: Want do you want for dinner?
Me: Surprise me.
Wife: I used to be a man.
Me: . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Pizza.