@iamchrisscott: A good comeback when someone doesn't believe you're a time traveler is "Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral."
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@hippieswordfish: *she leans in close* 'kyle, what's your wildest fantasy?' *i close my eyes and imagine opening a 10pc chicken nugget and finding 11 pieces*
@MrEd_EVH: *runs into long lost friend* Him- I started out on the bottom now I'm a district MGR. what do you do? Me- I disappoint people
@CornOnTheGoblin: Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
@jonnysun: job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre "dress for the job u want, right?" then just stare at them