A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
You Might Also Like
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
it was a valiant fight
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Him: Is this a sex thing?
Me: *smoothing mashed potatoes over my chest* Ew, no. This is just my tater-top.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG