A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
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With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
Bread puns are on the rise!
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
I hope people don’t turn against my comics after they find out about my extreme religious views (belief that only Italians get into heaven)
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
When did folks start naming kids old fashioned trades like, “Hunter” and “Porter” and “Archer” and “Blacksmith” and “Prostitute?”
The check engine light came on inside my oven.