NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
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Found a YouTube channel that’s just French women smoking cigarettes so this is my last tweet.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
bout dat hot dog summer
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
Lmfao
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.