A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
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Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
Thrilling chase underway
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Maybe Adele is singing about her cats. You don’t know.
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Five Secrets of Successful People:
1. Don’t
2. Tell
3. Anyone
4. Your
5. Secrets
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?