A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
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I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
Volunteer firefighter battles a house fire until 2 am and still goes to work at 6am.
Me: Wakes up at 7 am and contemplates whether to use a smiling or grinning emoji.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️
Heard my downstairs neighbor shouting “GET INSIDE NO GET INSIDE RIGHT NOW YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED OUTSIDE GET INSIDE” at about the same time 3 mornings in a row so looked to see what the new pet was and turns out its a roomba
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Jesus Christ lmao
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
[Job interview]
“How would you describe yourself?”
“I’d use the appropriate adjectives.”
“Anything else?”
“Over-literal sometimes.”