@VodkaShorebird: A good way to help you determine who to weed out of your life is probably by how someone pronounces "coyote".
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@trojansauce: [about to have sex] WIFE: what happened to all the condoms?! [cut to] ME: *making balloon animals at work* [cut back] ME: affair
@BrandonVine: Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
@dreamthievin: "Ducklings are baby ducks," I say as I set the appetizer on the table. "Enjoy your dumplings, Ma'am."
@OhNoSheTwitnt: A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.