HORSE WEARING EARBUDS: *walks into bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long fa–
HORSE: CAN I GET AN APPLETINI?
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This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Me: You’re getting so tall!
Child: I don’t really like that because it means I’m getting older and when you’re older you’re closer to dying.
Me: …Oh.
Child: Sorry, I won’t talk about that. It might scare you.
Me:
Child: Because you’re already so old and close to dying.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.