@rolldiggity: A good way to make a car dealer uncomfortable is to say, "Tell me if you can hear this," and then get in the trunk and start screaming.
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@Chocovania: [Border control] Officer: “You’re not American.” Me: “Deep.” *Officer squints* M: “Fried.” *squints harder* M: “Guns.” "Welcome back, Sir."
@causticbob: I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
@Whitnuts: I always try to tell myself that I don't actually hate people as much as I say I do...and then I go to the mall.