A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
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Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
*hits bong*
*abuses bong*
*bong calls bong protection agency*
*bong custody taken*
*bong put in foster home*
*bong misses old life*
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Me: Man, I’m tired of hearing about politics.
The universe: Cool, here’s nothing but Taylor Swift.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single