A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
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Getting married soon just need a spouse
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.
…No, YOU shut up.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
Guy who likes music
This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
Don’t worry there’s only 60 more days of January
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.