@VaguelyFunnyDan: A gorgeous woman's been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
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@madcaplaughs30: If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
@yoyoha: Just heard they're investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT'S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
@david8hughes: [describing criminal to sketch artist] "No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he'd lost a ladder."