@VaguelyFunnyDan: A gorgeous woman's been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
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@roostermustache: Biden: this is takin forever and build-a-bear is gonna close soon Obama: joe let me finish my speech or you'll get no tv for a week Biden:
@vultural: If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don't come back they aren't a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
@Social_Mime: Waiter - I'm Matt & I'll be taking care of you Me - You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough Wife - Give us a few minutes
@hippieswordfish: ME: im nervous GIRLFRIEND: dont be M: what are some of his interests GF: he likes football [later] GF'S DAD: nice to meet u M: *tackles him*