@VaguelyFunnyDan: A gorgeous woman's been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Brampersandon_: WIFE: Did you buy eggs? ME: Even better. I bought a goat. W: How is that better? M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
@sarcasticmommy4: I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed. So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
@StevieKnip: Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident Cop: you're under arrest. I'm taking you to jail Me: let's take my car
@dorsalstream: I've decided to donate my brain to science. [years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]