A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
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My son’s blood type is parmesan.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
Stop saying “start a family” when you mean “have kids”. A couple is still a family. A single person and her cat is a family. A couple and their plants are still a family. Three weirdly close roommates could be a family. You don’t need kids to be a family.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
[blind date]
(don’t let her know ur a dog walker)
“So what do u do?”
Well, I’m like a-
[13 dogs jump up on the table and eat her dinner]
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
[doing crossword]
Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: neverMe: pistol; three letters
Wife: gunMe: disgust; three letters
Wife: ughMe: charity; four letters
Wife: giveMe: female sheep; three letters
Wife: eweMe: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
*in public restroom*
Mom in next stall, to toddler: No, honey. You don’t take your shoes off to go potty. You have to leave your shoes on.
Me, in my stall: *quietly puts my shoes back on*
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults