A GPS. But for where your story is going.
You Might Also Like
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Aliens: take us to your leader
Me: ok guys listen- he’s probably going to deport you but there is a small chance he’ll want to marry you
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
He goes out for a run, and doesn’t even stop to sniff any crotches.
Humans are weird.~Dogs.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
How long does Chewbacca take to shampoo his hair?
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Rob thank god you picked up! Hey remember when you said if I needed a place to crash I cou- hold on *to copilot* STOP CRYING, ROB WILL HELP
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer