My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
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Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Guy: Why ride a rollercoaster when you can ride me?
Me: Because a rollercoaster can actually make me scream.
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
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I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion