A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
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People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
how to have an accident 101
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.