A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
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If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
me adding lol on a serious message
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
He died doing what he loved.
He didn’t know she was married.
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!