Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
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I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
[horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You’re supposed to say-
H: Just pour.
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
LA today:
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
Chomsky? I’m afraid I don’t Noam
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.