A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
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Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
Morning my dudes.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.