@JohnLyonTweets: My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It's also raisin free. And cake free. OK it's just rum.

@Elizasoul80: I don't blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I'd bite their leg off too.

@DurtMcHurtt: [Sahara desert] Me: *shares canteen* Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out* Me: it's ketchup, you have to wait a bit.

@SirEviscerate: ME: I was left in the woods as a baby. DATE: So, were you raised by wolves? ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*

@Marlebean: They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate... *walks up to guy in minivan* "Sup?"