A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
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When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
it’s so stupid how stores are already selling halloween candy, like anybody is actually going door-to-door this year,
..today i bought a 5lb bag.
sin harder.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.