A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.
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My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
TODAY
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
If you want my opinion ask my wife
Welcome to night club. I know it’s dark, but that’s kinda the poi–
*metal screeching*
Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’