A group of wild dads just ran into my back yard, built a shed, filled it with tools and told me not to touch any of them or I’d be grounded.
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[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
FRIEND: [over the phone] Do you think the quarantine has changed you?
ME: [knitting a dress for the raccoons in my backyard] No
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Wait – if the planet is spinning faster, maybe I *didn’t* gain weight. Maybe there’s more gravity.
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
OH. WE’RE HALFWAY THERE. WHOA OH. PIGEONS WITH NICE HAIR.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*