A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
You Might Also Like
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Why did Shrek use the song “I’m a Believer” and not “It Must Have Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now).”
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
Elon Musk is now worth $208 billion.
You want to know how he did it? He skipped 34.67 billion lattes. It’s that easy.
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
How to become a Saint
1: Become Catholic
2: Live an exemplary and pious life
3: Perform at least two miracles
Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.