A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
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Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Forever 21… pounds overweight
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
If a little light yodeling doesn’t solve all your problems, then I don’t know what to tell yoooo-dooleeOoou.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
the council will decide your fate
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.