A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
You Might Also Like
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
But wait…
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
o shit
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu