@WheelTod: A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
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@UrbanDouchebag: I wonder if flies ever think, "I bet I could get this guy to slap himself in the face." Because they'd be right.
@Ideal_Victoria: Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*
@iGreenMonk: I got caught peeing in the local swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly, I nearly fell in.