@WheelTod: A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
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@jonnysun: LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back? STENOGRAPHER: "I Did The Murder." JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
@GrowlyGrego: "Bear with me for a minute." - Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
@robdelaney: Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week :(