@WheelTod: A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet
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@CherBear162: I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
@ibid78: [my 1st day as a doctor] I can't find a pulse [patient] that's a trashcan. I'm over here [me] hold on, I think this trashcan is dying
@slimmy_shady: Almost arrived at work when my kid asked "Where're we going?" Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!