the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
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I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
me *dead*: at least I don’t have to pay student loans
*Gets e-mail* We see your living status has changed. Click to update your loan info.
Me: I can save some money if I install this new dishwasher myself.
*4 hours of clanging, shoving and inventing new curse words*
Me: Sticks out a little, but seems to work
Wife: Now the drawer with the silverware is blocked
Me: WE’LL EAT WITH OUR HANDS!!
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.