Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
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I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
called in thicc to work this morning
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Me: OMG I feel amazing!
WebMD: sounds like cancer!
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Tweeting.
Him: Gah. Such a colossal waste of time.
Me: *stare*
Him: *goes back to playing Candy Crush*
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Kids: Stay in school.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
‘Your Song’ by Elton John was released
53 YEARS AGO TODAY so, that funny feeling inside might be you getting old.
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.