A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
You Might Also Like
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Someone posted this in and I can’t stop laughing.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
Star Wars Episode 7? What’s next, Star Wars Episode 8???
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”