Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
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[interrogation]
What were u doing last nite?
I was killin my neighbour, Bert.
Louder for the tape?
[leans in]
Fillin in paperwork. Busy guy.
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?