A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
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Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
If Kraft singles are so good then why are they still single?
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
At an art museum and I thought this was art
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”