A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
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At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.