A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
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*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
*goes 100mph in Prius
*gets pulled over by police
Cop: HOW
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.