A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
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SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
A roof is a house hat.
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
[Alien vs Predator]
Alien: I can eat your face off
Predator: I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a school
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
What I ask my husband to buy:
Milk. Just milk.What he hears:
Some chocolate, doughnuts and trifles. Oh and milk.
my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
My husband likes to watch The Bachelorette and I like to stare at him when he does
Marriage advice from my Dad: “Leaps of faith are part of every relationship. I go to sleep every night long before your Mom does, trusting that she will not steal my Peanut Chews.”
Oh deer
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.