I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
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When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
I only keep Facebook for the birthday reminders and to randomly unfriend people so they wonder what they did wrong.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
How wrong was this guy?
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.