Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
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In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Jogging
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
Interpretive dance is the best way to answer stupid questions.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
are they though??
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
Glue a BB into the cap that goes on the air nozzle on car tires. Slowly lets the air out of the tires. Person refills tires and always puts the cap back on. After the 3rd or 4th flat tire they end up buying a new tire. 😏 No one ever thinks to look inside the cap.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
new york is like a toxic boyfriend, all winter you’re like why does he treat me this way and then spring hits and you’re like wow he loves me so so much
Pretty woman, the kind that don’t eat meat
Pretty woman, the kind that likes to hug trees
Ohoh what can I do? She’s making me eat vegan food
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING