A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
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My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Can’t, holding a grudge
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
Quadruple digit IQ
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Every house has this drawer
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
[walks in to UPS store holding rabid raccoon]
Hi my boyfriend said he wants to take a break so I’d like to ship him this please.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
ANGEL: the humans need a model for how they should treat you…
GOD: [creates dog]
ANGEL: …and for how they actually do
GOD: [creates cat]
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
A normal part of my neuro exam is testing grip strength: I put 2 fingers into a stranger’s fists & ask them to squeeze as hard as they can.
I’ve done this for years. All sorts of people: bodybuilders, athletes, cops, criminals
Recently I did this with a farmer.
ADVICE: DON’T
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Jokes on them. I took 10.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure