@koala_hugs: a gymnast walks into a bar. she is immediately given a 0.0 and disqualified from Olympic trials. you're supposed to jump OVER the bar, idiot
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@slimmy_shady: Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone's gaydar.
@bridger_w: I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. "You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic"
@rockymomax: ME: long time no see! I heard you're a doctor FRIEND: I am. what do you do now? ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I'm a writer