this is the best interaction on twitter
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Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
Considering teaching a whole seminar solely on this tweet
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.