@koala_hugs: a gymnast walks into a bar. she is immediately given a 0.0 and disqualified from Olympic trials. you're supposed to jump OVER the bar, idiot
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@michaeljhudson: "Mr. President, N. Korea is threatening to bomb your birthplace" "Why, there's nothing for them in Keny-" "HAWAII, sir" "Right, that's wh
@That_Damn_Duck: Superman is depressed because he has to change in dirty gas station bathrooms since the telephone booth is now extinct. Poor Superman.
@KateWhineHall: Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?! 7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
@jwoodham: "You have a date? With who?" [Sees a fishing boat] "Uh, her name is Net..." [Sees someone with a booger] "Flicks! Net Flicks! Wait. Dammit."