A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
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*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Me: My neighbor who’s a doctor said it’s healthy to sleep nude
Friend: What type of dr?
Me: Optometrist I guess. He has lots of binoculars
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
You learn something every day
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer