A hammock is really cool until you try to get out of it. I’m going to have to live here now. Goodnight.
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Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.
I̶t̶’̶s̶ ̶t̶o̶o̶ ̶e̶a̶r̶l̶y̶ ̶t̶o̶ start drinking
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
There is wisdom there.
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣
I’ll take Dumb Ideas for $300, Alex.
Your Answer: sit on the ground and eat food while bugs crawl all over you
What is a picnic?
Correct!
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.