A handshake means something completely different to a cannibal.
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Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
If I was a baseball coach, I’d argue with umpires about subjective reality, stressing we can’t be sure the game is actually even happening.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
When life gives you lemons, give the lemons back. Why were the lemons free? Is something wrong with the lemons? Are the lemons haunted? Be suspicious of the lemons.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
Why call it income when it outgo from bank account so fast?
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*