A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
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Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
That day I took a photo of a ghost builder on their way to work carrying their hard hat.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
🤣🤣
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
A new study shows twitter is more addictive than crack.
A scientist who looks suspiciously like my wife said “better put down that phone.”
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.