A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
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{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
*naked in boots*
Omg I’m gonna win this Shrek costume contest
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
to get my cat to eat, I tell him about all the hungry cats in Catfrica
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Cop: you’re under arrest. we found your blood at the crime scene
Me: how??
[Earlier]
Me: better floss before drowning this guy
[aliens talking]
“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
lmao
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.