A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
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my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that