A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
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Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Donkey Kong sommelier
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Starbucks needs a separate line for people who say “um”
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but I live in Canada. So, free health care.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
Look grandma. You told me to bring something to the wake. If you meant a casserole, you should have said so. Now help me load this drum kit.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap