@hipstermermaid: A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
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@samalmightysam: -Babe, I can't find the condom, what if we don't use it? -Sure, I'm ready to be a mother anyways. -No, no. Look, I found it!
@Miniwheats2012: My son can go from "omg...you're impossible I can't wait until I'm 18!" To "you're the best mom ever" in a matter of $100
@gumdropheaven: I eat children for a living You what? I said I feed children Oh haha thought you sa- TO MY MOUTH
@ch000ch: wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like "u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth"