A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
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Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.
“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Sex so bad the Oompa Loompas sang a song about it.
LOL
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Thinking about Jeff
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
ME: I wish all of my enemies would randomly feel a crunch when they’re eating something definitely not crunchy
SATAN: holy shit
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on