@hipstermermaid: A haunted house where they make you look at your checking account balance.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@oscarewilde: [therapists office] my wife: i have a fear of giants me: she has f- marriage counsellor: me: my wife: don't you dare say it me: Feefiphobia
@NicestHippo: [girlfriend yelling] You have an unhealthy attachment to your pets with weird names! [she knocks over my dead hamster's shrine] GILGAMESH!
@Jay16282: The self-checkout line was invented by a guy who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
@DominicStraw: "No! Don't go into the church! Nooo!" "Honey, what movie are you watching?" "Our wedding video."