@VerifiedDrunk: A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that's not a sacrifice I'm willing to make for love.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@tehviking: God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
@stephenjmolloy: Magician: "Think of a card." Me: "Okay." Magician: "You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!" Me: "I was thinking about a get well soon card."
@TheDailySchmuck: Accidentally pressed the soap dispenser instead of the toothpaste. Mouth feels clean but I don't think I'll be able to curse today. Shucks.
@SirEviscerate: BABY: WAAAAAAA- ME: Shhhh, it's okay. BABY: -AAAAAAAA- ME: shhhh.... BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI! ME: wtf BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.