A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
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Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Great game to play with friends
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.
Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
All mushrooms are edible. Some only once.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.