A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
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Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
is this a warning or an offer?
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
The main problem with having a tattoo is that whenever you go to a small town there’s always a slight chance that the locals will have a prophecy about an outsider bearing that exact mark.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
Paranoid? Nope. I’m just trying not to crash in case someone has replaced the airbag in my car with a boxing glove on a spring.
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
STOP HITTING ON MY TWITTER CRUSH YOU… YOU… EQUALLY UNKNOWN INTERNET DUDE!
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy#medicalvalentine
People that add “oholic” to jokingly describe things they’re addicted to seem to be unclear as to where the word “alcohol” ends.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.