@Jenny4ashley: A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
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@TheReal_AndyMac: When a woman says, "We need to talk", it's no good. Never has a woman said, "We need to talk" and followed it up with "about pillow forts".
@Ham_Tornado: New children's book I'm working on: "Nobody poops but you, you disgusting little freak".
@ericsshadow: My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
@Tommytoughstuff: Here's another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]