A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
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Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
And now we wait
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk