“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
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My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
Remember: It’s not stalking if you don’t see me.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.
me: hey everyone, this is steve. he’s danish
steve: hi
dan: *eyes narrowing* he’s nothing like me
Relationship status: my period comes more often than I do.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
Gym trainer: are you looking to lose weight or increase cardio and fitness?
Me: I wanna look hot enough so people think I’m a bot
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.