[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
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Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Meowchelangelo
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I’ll leave a to-do list on the table in case any of you stalkers get bored.
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
technically true but not a great slogan
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
g
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r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Detective: I need to dust for prints, but I can’t find my kit.
Me, eating Cheetos: Here’s a wild idea…
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.